New Year's Eve marked my 7th anniversary with my lovely boyfriend Andy (together, not married). A lot of people ask me how we have sustained our loving relationship throughout that time. Not that we're special (7 years isn't such a long time in the scheme of things, after all) but since we're only 21, it is a little unusual for people our age to have been together for so long. I usually meet their questions with a shrug, a smile and silence, because there is really no definitive answer to their question, and it is a fairly private one at that. But today I thought that I would share my "secrets" to a happy, loving relationship (or, to put it more succinctly, "observations"). Please keep in mind that these words come with a waiver: all relationships are different, every single one, and there are no universal "rules" to reeling in a man or a woman and keeping them forever. Not in my book, anyway.
So, here goes...
- I have gradually come to the conclusion that love has nothing to do with the art of seduction. Love is not about ensnaring somebody and wooing them into submission, flaunting your best self in order to persuade somebody to care for you. It's not about beautiful presents, fancy dinners, sexy lingerie or mix-tapes. To be sure, those are all nice and they may be constructive in the beginning stages of a relationship (it's been so long since I've been there that I'm really no expert) but there comes a time when, inevitably, the games get too exhausting and the façade falls away.
- When I talk about love, by the way, I mean real, living, breathing, gritty love. Grounded, full, heartfelt, everyday love. And that love is not about courtship. It is about choices. I know that doesn't sound as romantic as being swept off your feet and love at first sight and the spark and all that but when you see it, when you experience it for yourself, you will cherish it even more (because it is real). Love is about making a commitment, each and every day, to love the one you love. Both of you making a pledge, said or unsaid, to love each other with your whole hearts and to love every part of each other (the good and the bad, the virtues and the flaws, the beauty and the rolls), even if you don't particularly like all of those things.
- Of course, not every flailing or broken relationship is salvageable. For one, not every relationship is worth fighting for. It's just a simple calculation of whether the good outweighs the bad. And naturally, both parties have to keep their end of the deal. There cannot be one person fighting for their life and the other giving up (like in Blue Valentine). As Anaïs Nin says, in her ever-astute style: "Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Because, when conflict ensues, it can be tempting to surrender. But it takes strength and courage to persevere, to keep trying to make things work, to choose love, even when the ease and adoration begin crumble, reality sets in, and things get really hard.
- Love is making sacrifices for each other, but not for the glory or the expectation of reciprocation. Just because you love them.
- Love is...
best of friends, partners-in-crime
the joy of pillow talk
watching your love from across the room, with fondness
relaxing into your own special nook in their arm
finding comfort in the rise and fall of their breath
divulging your worst fears, your darkest secrets
silently watching their sleeping face
letting things slide, most of the time (picking your battles)
giving them space, when you know they need it
sitting through family dinners, befriending their friends
taking each day as it comes, and not keeping score
rising above their melancholy, soothing their anger
sharing dreams of a mutual future
the flattery of knowing that you are lovable and
taking pleasure in the pursuit of their happiness, as if it were your own. Through thick and thin, good times and bad, until (the) death (of love) do us part.
That's it. It's not simple, but love never is. And it is the intricacies that make it so beautiful.
"Here is a relationship booster
that is guaranteed to
work:
Every time your spouse or lover says something stupid
make your eyes light up as if you
just heard something
brilliant."
— Rumi
10 comments:
I love that Rumi quote. Wonderfully simple. And I really, desperately want to watch Blue Valentine; but only after I see Black Swan!
"I've got your back" love is all I've ever wanted, and I'm blessed to have found it in my lifetime.
x
Love the new blog, Laura. As always, your thoughts are distilled and poetic.
Thank you so much Joni, so lovely of you to say.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful post Laura. I loved Blue Valentine and it did get me thinking about relationships and why some work, why some doesn't and what keeps a relationship going. Like you, I am in a long term relationship (6 years now) and we are young also - I'm 23, my partner is 22!
Love that Rumi quote :)
xo
I agree but obviously it can differ for different people and different personality types. I personally was swept off my feet ... but only after I opened myself up to letting that happen. I knew my now husband for a long while before I fell in love - we were friends through friends though I knew he was attracted to me. But then the moment I decided to open up to the idea of getting to know him better (ie accepting his request for a date) I fell in love so quickly and so completely it took my breath away. Anyway no real point to my story except that for me the seduction and the spark were very important for without those things - for me at least - I may have continued seeing him as a friend and nothing more.
You're absolutely right, I agree... romantic love has to transcend friendship and platonic love, and romance and attraction have a lot to do with that.
I guess the point that I was trying to make (inspired by Blue Valentine) is that, traditionally and in modern times, fiction and popular culture tends to focus solely on the seduction of love - the early stages of a relationship - and condense the rest of love into a "happily ever after" ending. When, in actuality, the "happily ever after" is where love really begins. In the grand scheme of things, the courting stage of what eventually becomes a life-long (or long term) relationship is but a blip, although of course - it has to start somewhere, and so it is important, because without it there would be no relationship at all.
However I think that a shift is needed, in order for people to properly understand the dynamics of (successful) romantic relationships... away from the dating game and the initial attraction (does he/she tick all the boxes on my "list"? do they conform to my preconceived idea of a perfect partner?) and instead, just let go and see where things take them, because love is not really about all that at all - it is about being open and trusting and loving and lovable - rather than seductive.
Of course, that is just my opinion, born from my own experiences, which involve finding the love of my life by coincidence, and falling in love slowly and unintentionally, at a young age. I suppose for people who are more mature (not necessarily in age, but in mind), actions and feelings are more deliberate and meaningful and have more weight attached to them. So maybe it is important to feel a spark, in order to wake up to the potential between the two of you.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story!
xx
PS Thank you Emma! xx
Laura, I've just discovered your blog and just wanted to let you know I think it's lovely. You are a beautiful writer. Me and my guy have been together for almost a third of our lives- we met nine years ago. Your advice is so sage, very relatable, and incredibly, honestly romantic.
Thank you so much Katie, I really appreciate it xx
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