As you may know, I recently moved home. Apart from living away from my family for the first time, I didn't think much of it. The distance was only half an hour; I would come back and forth as often as I liked. My childhood bedroom remained intact, awaiting my imminent return.
But what I didn't count on was feeling lonely. And it was a new experience for me. Because I have never really been lonely before.
Growing up and living in the same suburb my whole life had given me a sense of belonging, which I had taken for granted. I don't have that here. I feel a little distanced. Disjointed. Uneasy. It's disconcerting. I don't like it at all.
The loneliness comes in fleeting waves. During the in-between times. Thankfully, it is not debilitating, for me. I rise above it. And I am definitely happy, on the whole. But that happiness is peppered with little bouts of loneliness, which I have gently captured and dissected in a perversely curious, writer-ly way.
The loneliness comes in fleeting waves. During the in-between times. Thankfully, it is not debilitating, for me. I rise above it. And I am definitely happy, on the whole. But that happiness is peppered with little bouts of loneliness, which I have gently captured and dissected in a perversely curious, writer-ly way.
For my experience has given me, for the first time, genuine empathy for people who are truly lonely. For whom loneliness is not fleeting but, by and large, permanent.Who ache with longing for human connection, any connection; a shared laugh, shy smile, a kind word, a compliment. Holding the door open, letting someone into traffic, waving when they do. For whom sadness and disappointment give way to resentment when that yearned for human contact embodies itself in monotony and superficiality. For whom solitude is not a respite but a torment. I have always known that the feeling must exist, but it was just too hard to contemplate.
For those of us blessed with youth and opportunity and loved ones, this kind of talk may seem depressing. Most of us try our best to avoid the reality; nursing homes and hospitals, the elderly man grocery shopping on his own. But sometimes the buoyancy of life gives way to despair and pain. Not necessarily through tragedy, but through hopelessness. How can we understand life if we cannot understand sadness? And appreciate love and happiness without the threat of sadness at our heels?
And because I don't have the words to give loneliness the justice it deserves, let me hand you over to one of my favourite poets, Charles Buskowski, who writes about the beating of a lonely heart better than anybody I have come across.
there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.
it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone
untouched
unspoken to
watering a plant.
— Charles Bukowski
Paolo Nutini's These Streets also describes the emotions involved in moving to a new place perfectly and poignantly... I tried to extract a line or two that were especially kindred but couldn't limit myself to less than half the song. (Unfortunately you may have to follow the link to YouTube to watch the video due to copyright- please do!)
- Cross the border, Into the big bad world, Where it takes you 'bout an hour, Just to cross the road, Just to stumble across another poor old soul
- And it's harder than you think, To believe this sadness, That creeps up my spine, And haunts me through the night
- And life is good... Suddenly the air smells much greener now, And I'm wandering 'round... Searching for the change that I've lost somehow
- You see millions of people with millions of cares, And I struggle to the train to make my way home, I look at the people as they sit there alone
- Life is good, and the sun is shining, Everybody flits to their ideal place, And the children all smile as a boat shuffled by them, Trying to pretend that they've got some space
- These streets have too many names for me... I'll get used to this eventually, I know, I know
This photo was taken by Santiago Gamero, a flickr photographer from Venezuela. You can find his photostream here.
6 comments:
wow, what a coincidence. i'm signing a lease on my first apartment tomorrow, and i feel like it's freshman year all over again. after being home for a year, i've again grown attached to my family, and i'm really bad with transitions. i'm also so prone to riding the lonely waves. but knowing that i'll only be a 40-minute drive or train ride away makes it easier.
oh, and baking cookies always helps!
best to you :)
This post really struck a chord with me Laura. I moved interstate almost a year ago to move in with my boyfriend where I have no friends and family, and I have little chance of befriending the people he knows as he is 15 years older than me hence his friends are grown up, married and with children. I am yet to find a full-time job so friends through work are not yet an option. It is a small, quiet country town or 'rural city' to be exact but I find nothing much to do..I have really come to realise what it means to be lonely. Not in the real sense of the word, I mean I have my own friends and family, it's just a physical loneliness. I feel seperated and disjointed from the rest of my life in WA. It's very hard at times but I remain positive like you. Wishing you all the best :)
Kirsten
Thank you Sarah and Kirsten... so happy that my words resonated but sorry at the same time. All the best to you both xx
This is a beautiful post. I moved to Sydney, only four weeks ago. And I can absolutely relate with this.
Thank you Shitika. Best of luck for your new Sydney life!
I'm very lonely in the foreign country. Although I tried to make friendship, most cases ended up with argument, or just being ignored. I don't wanna be hurted anymore. I will be alone as usual. It's sad. I know I must change myself.
But yes in future, I wanna know the meaning of happiness. At the moment I dont know what is it like. Thanks for beautiful song.
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