NB This post was written at the start of the year, and forgotten about. So please excuse the untimeliness!
The other day, I was sitting in my car, pulled over. Crying. For no apparent reason.
Well, there was a reason. It just wasn't cry-worthy. You see, the payroll lady at work had told me that she would email me my payslips within half an hour, but it had been two hours and they still weren't in my inbox. So I wanted to call her to make sure she sent them because it was 2 o'clock, which is 5 o'clock in Melbourne, and I wanted to make sure she hadn't forgotten before she left for the night. But I had already called her twice that day! She would think that I was terribly annoying and that I thought she had nothing better to do than email me something I should already have, but didn't because I had never bothered to change my email address on the database. So I was torn and paralysed and crying in the car.
Of course, it wasn't really about the email. You see, my partner Andy and I have been looking for an apartment for over two months. It's really hard. Much harder than we had imagined. For one, there are not many rental properties in Perth. So the competition is fierce and there's not a lot to choose from. Secondly, we don't earn much money. We are students, so only work part-time. With no rental history. So we're not the most desirable of applicants. Thirdly, it is really difficult to agree on what we wanted. I am happy to live in a studio, but Andy is convinced that we needed something with at least two bedrooms, preferably three so our friends could sleep over if need be. I want something bright and airy, he would be happy in a hovel.
So, back to the car and the crying. The reason for that is that we had found the perfect apartment. Three bedrooms, less than a year old, balcony, adjacent to the freeway so I could get to work and uni, right near the main road that led to Andy's work and his uni campus. Lovely complex, space for two cars (unheard of!) and a pool. Within our price range. And especially for students, so families with high earning capacity weren't eligible to apply! We couldn't ask for anything better. We really, really wanted it.
And herein lies the problem. Because wanting something, really really badly, is lethal when acquiring that thing that you want is completely out of your control. I mean, we carefully filled in the application, trying to paint ourselves in the best light possible, but there wasn't much paint to paint with, if you know what I mean. So it's left up to fate. And luck.
So what I want to know is, how do we cope with the long, drawn-out, excruciating waiting process? Without falling apart in the process? There seems to be two approaches.
Everybody around me has encouraged me to engage with the first. "Just believe you have it," they tell me. Apparently, assuming I already have something I really want will help me to get it. But I don't really buy that law of attraction and power of positive thinking shtick. Besides, it seems as though I am just setting myself up for disappointment.
The second option is one that I am more inclined to follow, which is that it is best to assume that I don't have this dream apartment. That the property manager has, naturally, chosen a higher earning, more reliable couple or family with solid references and a history of being clean and careful. I figure that, using my strategy, I will have already resigned myself to the imminent disappointment - but if I do get it, what a lovely surprise! I've been told, however, that my approach is just pessimistic. And that, perhaps, I will jinx myself.
Well. I wrote the above last week. And today we found out that we didn't get the apartment. Of course, since I adopted the latter strategy, I don't feel too sad. I had already let it go. And I think I am better off for it. But I would love to know: How do you cope with wanting something (really, really badly)? A person, a feeling, an outcome? When you have done all you can, and it is all up in the air... how do you want, desperately, without going crazy?
P.S. Eight months down the track... Andy and I found another apartment a week after I wrote this post and it's more perfect than the one before. Not as shiny or fancy but perfect for us, and we love it. Reading back, I think the whole process just cements my theory (which I wrote about in My Spot) that we don't find things by consciously looking for them. We come across them, happen to cross each other's paths, when we are least expecting it. When we aren't looking. The looking itself is counterproductive, because we are seeking perfection. There's too much pressure, too much scrutiny. When we let go, the imperfect gets a chance to shine. And within the complexity and imperfection of life is where our destiny, and the answers we are searching for, lie. I think.
P.S. Eight months down the track... Andy and I found another apartment a week after I wrote this post and it's more perfect than the one before. Not as shiny or fancy but perfect for us, and we love it. Reading back, I think the whole process just cements my theory (which I wrote about in My Spot) that we don't find things by consciously looking for them. We come across them, happen to cross each other's paths, when we are least expecting it. When we aren't looking. The looking itself is counterproductive, because we are seeking perfection. There's too much pressure, too much scrutiny. When we let go, the imperfect gets a chance to shine. And within the complexity and imperfection of life is where our destiny, and the answers we are searching for, lie. I think.
3 comments:
Oooh, the PS is my favourite part of this post...
And yes, i've been in the 'wanting' place before. It's not fun:-)
Thank you :) Yes, the wanting is so frustrating. And it's unavoidable! xx
Great Post. I am currently "wanting" a new job, and "wanting" to have a child.
My method to dealing with the "wanting" is to list all the things you can do now that will be harder once your "wanted" comes to pass.
Like leaving the house with just your keys, no bag. Tough to do with a baby.
Or going for walks around the beautiful campus I work on, because my next workplace might be a factory.
Give it a try. It won't releave the "wanting" but it makes the "waiting" a little easier.
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